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the jawb haus

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WASHINGTON — Earlier today, President Trump signed an executive order banning any man from playing the WNBA mode on 2K25 surrounded by a crowd of reporters in the Oval Office. 

“This is the best, most beautiful executive order I’ve signed yet,” exclaimed the President. “I promised to protect all women, including computer women, from dangerous men besides myself. If any man is caught pretending to be a woman on 2K25 to try dominating Caitlin Clark or—that’s the only female basketball player I know, they will be permanently banned from the game and publicly castrated.”

While many on the right are celebrating President Trump for his strong action against men playing the WNBA mode on 2K25, some are shocked this was on the list of priorities for the President. 

“Is this real?” questioned D.C. native Brenda Aston. “I thought he would be trying to decrease the cost of living for every American, but instead, he’s worried about video games? Okay, yeah well this ‘problem’ of men playing WNBA mode on 2K25 won’t be much of a problem for long since most Americans won’t be able to afford the game here soon.”

White House correspondent Alfred Greenly, who has followed Trump for both of his terms, is weighing in on what this executive order could mean for the future of the United States. 

“While this seems like a performative stunt to appease his base, President Trump won’t stop at 2K25,” said Greenly. “He’s going to go after any video game where you can choose a character, and he’s going to ban men from playing as those female characters. So favorites like Princess Peach, Lara Croft, Samus and Ms. Pac-Man could soon very well be off limits for men to play.” 

At press time, PlayStation has announced that they will be installing genitalia scanners to all PS5s sold in the United States to adhere to President Trump’s newest policy. 

The post Trump Bans Men From Playing WNBA Mode on 2K25 appeared first on Hard Drive.

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“The moment I saw him charging the steps on January 6, I knew I wanted to rip off his Viking helmet and find out how quickly he could send my body into a constitutional crisis.”

“He had a sharp, strong jawline from years of clenching it every time someone mentioned universal health care.”

“I could tell he was the kind of hunk who wanted to undo my bra—and my rights.”

“A spicy DM from his anti-woke meme account landed in my X inbox. I smirked as Grok replied, ‘Hot. Elon enjoyed reading that.’”

“For our first date, he told me I could pick the spot—anywhere my heart desired, as long as it was a business that had dismantled its DEI policies.”

“His masculine energy radiated, and my body tensed with delight—the exhilaration trickled all the way down, like tax cuts for the wealthy that would benefit me, a mid-tier MLM distributor.”

“‘We shouldn’t tell anyone about this,’ he said, making our encounter even more romantic. I have always liked my men like I like the Bible: misinterpreted to my advantage.”

“He tucked a strand of hair behind my bald-eagle earrings, then leaned in and whispered, ‘I’ll treat you better than this administration treats billionaires, baby.’”

“With one touch, my body quivered. Like a thousand Fox News notifications all at once.”

“‘It’s too soon to give in to our desires,’ I said. ‘I must resist you.’

“‘You’re treating me like a vaccine?’ he said, coughing.”

“I couldn’t take it anymore. We finally made out in the middle of the banned-books rally. His lips were as soft as a Democrat’s comeback.”

“The long, sensuous kiss made me blush; I could feel my cheeks burning as red as a state ranked lowest in education.”

“We went back to my place, and he kissed me again with the passion of every aunt sharing an un-fact-checked Facebook post.”

“He tore off his red hat and American flag shirt (made in Hong Kong), and tossed his four concealed handguns on my floor. His sex appeal was wildly disarming.”

“I was overwhelmed with lust. I traced his bare edges with my eyes, dazzled and amazed at how his body was shaped like a Cybertruck.”

“The friction between us was as hot as a looming trade war between the US and Canada.”

“I moaned loudly, the way I do when I have to hear someone’s pronouns.”

“Our carnal connection made me feel like I was floating weightlessly in the Gulf of America.”

“Afterward, we held hands and looked into each other’s deep-blue patriotic eyes. ‘This feels so real,’ he said. ‘Unlike climate change.’”

“The next morning, over Signal, he texted me how much fun he had the night before: . It was then I knew: the two of us—and the seven other guys in the group chat—would live happily ever after.”