PITTSBURGH—Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam.

“Oh Jesus, I had another weird Steely dream—why does this keep happening?” said Hayward, 41, recounting how he had awoken with sweat-soaked sheets after enduring a multipart dream in which the girder-toting character playfully joined him in the team’s shower facilities at Acrisure Stadium before eventually making love to him on the 50-yard line. “As soon as I fall asleep, there he is, peeling off his overalls and calling me a ‘dirty little Yinzer who needs to get fucked, Steely-style.’”

“I don’t know where any of this is coming from, but I really wish it would stop,” he added.

When pressed on the topic, Hayward described dozens of sex dreams centered on the lantern-jawed NFL mascot, including a “terrifying” one in which Steely pursued him down Art Rooney Avenue, placed a yellow and black wig on the Pittsburgh native’s head, and vigorously sodomized him at the foot of the Mister Rogers Memorial.

Hayward, who is heterosexual, also admitted that several of these incidents—among them a dream in which Steely held him down and “went to work on my penis with his hungry mouth”—had caused him to produce voluminous nocturnal emissions, to his intense shame and bewilderment.

Noting that he had resorted to taking beta-blockers and high doses of trazodone in a fruitless effort to fend off the fantastical sex dreams, Hayward confirmed that the phantasmagoric encounters with Steely had begun to interfere with his daily routine.

“It’s really hard to focus on work when you spent the previous night getting railed by Steely in Franco Harris’ living room,” he said, adding that the dreams often culminated with the mascot angrily ordering him to clean up his discharge with a Terrible Towel. “Like, I’ll have eight hours of frantic sleep where I’m getting pounded and spanked by Steely the entire time. How am I supposed to look my family in the eyes after that?”

“Also, his penis is an I-beam,” he continued. “Forgot to mention that part.”

At press time, a dreaming Hayward was reportedly being held at gunpoint by McBeam and forced to masturbate onto a Primanti Bros. Italian sausage and cheese sandwich. 

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CHICAGO—Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday’s pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. “The way these rowdy Bears fans are chewing, smacking their lips, and grunting as they ravenously scarf down hot dogs, I can’t even hear myself think,” said Williams, who was unable to communicate his play call and forced to burn a timeout due to the deafening cacophony of 62,000 people devouring nachos, chicken tenders, and pizza. “I mean, between what our fans and the visiting Green Bay faithful are doing to those Polish sausages, my in-helmet radio is pretty much useless right now. And the way they [inaudible] doesn’t even [inaudible] without at least a [inaudible]. Jesus Christ, that’s the biggest RC Cola I’ve ever seen.” At press time, the Bears received a delay of game penalty after thousands of crumpled Portillo’s wrappers had drifted onto the field.

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WASHINGTON — The White House announced the debut of a non-woke version of Jesus Christ called John America, confirmed sources.

“Republicans love Jesus,” said Tom Pool, head of the White House spiritual marketing department. “But some of his woke agenda doesn’t translate to the modern MAGA voter and their values. Our focus groups found Jesus too weak on borders, too anti-capitalist, and too potentially brown for their tastes. We felt Jesus needed an update to bring him in line with modernity and voting trends in the white males over 45 with no college education demographic.”

Abigail Stan, one of the architects of the fascist playbook Project 2025, welcomed the update.

“Jesus is a woke libtard,” said Stan, taking a break from her hobby of drowning puppies. “John America doesn’t turn the other cheek; he pulls out a Glock. He doesn’t love thy neighbor; he reports his neighbor to ICE. The meek shall inherit the Earth? John America waterboards the meek at Gitmo before breakfast, then promotes his cryptocoin before lunch. I could think of 1488 other reasons why he’s great, but these puppies won’t drown themselves.”

Pope Leo XIV spoke out against this dictionary definition act of heresy.

“You can’t just make a new Jesus,” said the Pope from his offices in the Vatican, where he was leading a mass and giving his congregation communion wine and deep-dish Chicago-style pizza. “Admittedly, there were a bunch of other messiahs getting around during the years that Jesus was active, and the Bible is a hodgepodge collection of texts that were handpicked by Constantine the Great to best create our religion. And while we can’t verify most of the events of the Bible, and some claim that there’s a lot of potential mistranslations and exaggeration within the gospels, we already have a Jesus, and that’s that. Also, John America?! What kind of fuck ass name is that?”

Despite the controversy, Variety reports that Mel Gibson is tapped to direct a movie about John America starring Chris Pratt and Russell Brand to be released in time for Oscar season.

The post White House to Debut Non-Woke Version of Jesus Christ Called John America appeared first on HARDTIMES.

Lottery Every Second is a web tool that does exactly what it promises: it simulates Powerball and EuroJackpot draws continuously, once per second, forever. The tagline sets the tone: "Why wait a week for disappointment when you can have it every second?" — Read the rest

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