NEW YORK—In an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of footballs that go missing every season, an internal report by the National Football League confirmed Friday that the majority of fumbles were recovered within the first 48 hours. “Looking at our history all the way back to 1920, it has thankfully been very rare for our game balls to stay fumbled for longer than two days,” said league commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the number of recovered footballs might actually be much higher than the data suggested, because referees were not allowed to consider them officially fumbled until they had been loose for at least 24 hours. “There is no worse feeling than realizing your football is somewhere out on the turf all alone, completely vulnerable. That’s why it is crucial to take action as soon as possible to ensure we bring every lost ball safely back into play and prevent, God forbid, someone else getting to it first. Unfortunately, patterns show that any ball not recovered in the first 48 hours likely never will be—at least not during that game.” Goodell went on to add that, sadly, many balls were ruled dead by the time someone reached them.

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Describing the practice as “vital to player development,” researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches and newly drafted players significantly improves adaptation to the professional level and long-term performance on the field. “The first few hours after getting drafted are crucial—when a coach removes his shirt and cradles a first-year player against his hairy chest, it forges neural bonds, optimizes cortisol levels for big-game situations, and lays the foundation for elite football instincts,” said the study’s author, Dr. Lydia Zhou, who noted that Tom Brady’s transformation from sixth-round pick to all-time great began on draft night when Bill Belichick held the quarterback against his warm chest under his hoodie and gently rocked him while humming “You Are My Sunshine.” “Conversely, first-overall pick Bryce Young went his entire rookie season without once being snuggled against Frank Reich’s bare chest, and that lack of tactile reassurance likely contributed to his difficulties reading defenses and bonding with the offensive line, ultimately leading to a 2-15 record for the team.” Zhou then emphasized that while skin-to-skin contact was ideal, rookies could still reap partial neurological benefits from being swaddled in weighted blankets scented with their coach’s musk.

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ARLINGTON, TX—Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team’s dismal performance in recent years, several members of the New York Giants were reportedly horrified to learn before Sunday’s game that their uniforms have their names on the back. “Wait…so the millions of people watching on national television can see who I am?” said wide receiver Malik Nabers, scrambling to pull a hoodie over his jersey so as not to have his name associated with a historically awful Giants team coming off a 3-14 season. “Oh God, this is a nightmare. I thought we were anonymous out there. Like, I told my family I play for the Chiefs. This is bad—really, really bad.” At press time, sources confirmed that multiple players were rushing to the equipment staff demanding blank jerseys with no names on the back.

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