Log in
DESIGNER 1: The investors want us to make extremely small urban apartments more enjoyable. Got any ideas?
DESIGNER 2: Yes. Extremely small balconies.
DESIGNER 1: That’s genius. How small are we talking?
DESIGNER 2: Just big enough for one person to stand.
DESIGNER 1: How about half as big?
DESIGNER 2: That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. But is that still too big?
DESIGNER 1: Yes. Let’s make them smaller.
DESIGNER 2: I’ve never lived in the city, but it feels like we’re onto something.
DESIGNER 1: Me neither, and I completely agree.
DESIGNER 3: Hey, I heard you’re working on an extremely small urban apartment project. Do you need more help from someone who has also never lived in a city?
DESIGNER 1: Yes.
DESIGNER 3: Perfect. Let’s put some balconies in complete shade and some in direct sunlight. Never anything in between.
DESIGNER 2: And there should always be something dripping from the balcony above, even when it’s dry outside.
DESIGNER 1: You know what would be great? If the exhaust vent from the neighbor’s dryer was positioned at eye level on each balcony so you have to smell your neighbor’s clothes.
DESIGNER 2: Outstanding. But which apartments should have a balcony?
DESIGNER 1: Only the ones facing a major highway. It’s my understanding that people who live in cities like seeing, smelling, and hearing traffic at all times.
DESIGNER 3: I couldn’t agree more. I have a cousin who visited a city once, and he said that everyone there does traffic as a hobby. Also, they hate privacy.
DESIGNER 1: Terrific. We’ll put all of the balconies really close to each other.
DESIGNER 2: Wait, we forgot to enclose the balconies with the strongest metal railings ever made. The whole reason people move to cities is because they yearn for strong metal things and hate things that are soft and natural.
DESIGNER 1: Plus, they need something to tie their clotheslines to, which is a thing they all use.
DESIGNER 3: Just make sure there are wide enough gaps between the railings to accidentally drop things through.
DESIGNER 1: Great idea. What’s the point of having an extremely small balcony if not for exposing yourself to the possibility of killing a passerby with a small household item?
(All designers nod in agreement.)
DESIGNER 3: Hey, I have a question for another project I’m on: Do city people like access to parking?
DESIGNER 1: Only if it’s underground, extremely difficult to use. And smells like pee.
DESIGNER 3: You’re not gonna believe this…
GOTHAM CITY — Masked vigilante Batman has reportedly been beside himself after he was informed by a group of teenagers that he smells, Robin laid an egg, and the Joker got away.
“I don’t know, I guess I just got so caught up in saving Gotham I just never stopped to think about other important aspects of life, like personal hygiene or Robin’s concerning medical situation,” the Caped Crusader said in a grizzly-voiced statement to reporters. “Who knew that all the physical activity that comes with fighting crime day in and day out could cause you to work up such a sweat? And that maybe when you name a kid Robin and give him a bird-themed costume, it’ll sort of go to his head. I’m gonna need some time to take care of all this. I’ll buy some deodorant and take a shower at the very least, maybe take the boy to a doctor. As for the Joker, well, that’s basically business as usual around here.”
Those close to the famed Justice Leaguer have noted a drastic shift in his overall demeanor since the news was delivered to him.
“I’ve not seen the young Master so down in the dumps since…well, you know what, I won’t say it publicly,” said butler Alfred Pennyworth, who is apparently also one of the Dark Knight’s closest friends and confidantes. “And right before Christmas, too. He’s taken all of this news rather hard, indeed. It’s certainly not feeling very cheery around here—not that it usually does, of course. He practically lives in that cave down there.”
Even some of Batman’s enemies have offered their sympathies during this difficult time.
“I was planning a winter-themed heist with Mr. Freeze, but it’s not much fun if the Caped Crusader’s acting all, I don’t know, glum,” noted Gotham criminal Oswald Cobblepot, also known as “The Penguin.” “Hell, I’m a kingpin and even I can find the time for a little holiday spirit. He should get outta Gotham for Christmas, go to Cabo or something. Never seen the guy so stressed out.”
At press time, Batman was spotted pacing back and forth feverishly at his local mechanic after the Batmobile apparently lost a wheel en route to the city.
The post Batman Distraught to Learn He Smells, Robin Laid Egg, Joker Got Away appeared first on Hard Drive.
