What could be more cosy this holiday season than a roaring yule log, crackling away in an emulated PlayStation 1. It's the work of RetroGameRevival.

What is the greatest Christmas movie ever? Die Hard! So I made a Home Alone scene for the PS1, Merry Xmas ya filty animals.

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KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local tattooist Eddie Greer’s proud tale of drunken excess bears a close resemblance to his friend’s worst night, according to mutual friends.

“So this one night, I pregamed for a house show with Fireball whiskey. I guess it didn’t sit well with the 40 of Old English, because I ended up spewing cinnamon vomit all over everyone in the pit as well as the band,” said Greer. “After that I recall hitting on some chick upstairs, still covered in puke. The cops wound up raiding the show. The last thing I remember is standing on a cop car hood and pissing all over the windshield while a crowd of punks cheered. When a pig tackled me, I elbowed him in the nuts and managed to escape into the woods. That night was fucking epic.”

Greer’s friend and former drinking buddy Paolo Costa looks back on his own drunken hijinks with regret.

“I went to that show with Eddie,” said the now-sober Costa. “Geez, I must’ve had three or four beers within a couple of hours so I was feeling a bit tipsy myself. I only had a soft boiled egg for dinner and I guess the booze really hit me hard. I remember making an ass of myself by mistaking Mission of Burma with The Mission UK when I was talking to a girl I liked. I think the last straw was that I woke up late for class and wound up only getting a B+ on an exam. That and the terrible headache was the wake-up call I needed to swear off booze forever.”

Addiction counselor Melissa Weingarten of Shady Spruce Rehabilitation says she’s heard all manner of rock bottom stories.

“Part of my job is listening to stories of people at their lowest,” said Weingarten. “Most of the patients here have similar sorts of banal rock bottoms. You know, ‘Boo-hoo, I lost my job’ or ‘Wahh, my wife left me.’ But once in a while, I get to hear something really juicy. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I get bored hearing the same old woe-is-me stuff, so I’m actually grateful when someone comes in here with a story about shitting their pants at a wedding or stealing a cop car.”

At press time, Greer clarified that the woman he attempted to woo while covered in vomit is now his wife.

The post Punk’s Best Anecdote Very Similar to Sober Friend’s Rock Bottom Story appeared first on HARDTIMES.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—Shedding light on the age-old mystery of how anyone could afford the gigantic structures, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Eastern Mediterranean Archaeology And Heritage Studies revealed that ancient Egyptians received significant help from their parents while building the pyramids. “Though historians initially theorized that the civilization constructed the towering tombs of pharaohs with their own money, we’ve confirmed that their wealthy fathers gave them down payments for the limestone and even chipped in for utilities,” said lead research archaeologist David Bell, adding that high interest rates and limited job opportunities made it difficult for ancient Egyptians to get into the pyramid market on their own. “We also found evidence that their uncle let them use his barge to transport the stones down the Nile for free. However, having family involved caused issues—their mother demanded she pick out the sarcophagus since she was paying for it. And, despite all the assistance, ancient Egyptians lied to their friends about financing the pyramids with money earned from their art projects.” The study also found that once the ancient Egyptians finished building the pyramids, their parents paid for them to go to grad school.

The post New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids appeared first on The Onion.

NAPERVILLE, IL—Scurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. “We keep finding her rooting around our bins looking for food items she can stock her shelves with,” said assistant manager Ed Ruiz, describing multiple occasions upon which team members had found the discount grocery chain’s top executive peeling the 365 labels off expired cans of beans or scraping mold off a carton of raspberries. “I personally don’t mind if our excess food can be used to feed hungry Aldi shoppers, but it becomes a safety issue when she starts approaching our customers and trying to sell them a bruised cantaloupe she scavenged for 39 cents a pound. Everyone can hear her banging around in the garbage and rattling on about sell-by dates being merely a suggestion. We’re going to have to start locking the bins at night to keep her out.” At press time, the CEOs of Dollar Tree and Dollar General had been spotted behind an Aldi dumpster in Cleveland wrestling over a package of broken clothes hangers.

The post Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods Dumpsters  appeared first on The Onion.