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CHICAGO—Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday’s pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. “The way these rowdy Bears fans are chewing, smacking their lips, and grunting as they ravenously scarf down hot dogs, I can’t even hear myself think,” said Williams, who was unable to communicate his play call and forced to burn a timeout due to the deafening cacophony of 62,000 people devouring nachos, chicken tenders, and pizza. “I mean, between what our fans and the visiting Green Bay faithful are doing to those Polish sausages, my in-helmet radio is pretty much useless right now. And the way they [inaudible] doesn’t even [inaudible] without at least a [inaudible]. Jesus Christ, that’s the biggest RC Cola I’ve ever seen.” At press time, the Bears received a delay of game penalty after thousands of crumpled Portillo’s wrappers had drifted onto the field.
The post Caleb Williams Signals Boisterous Chicago Home Crowd To Eat Less Loudly appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON — The White House announced the debut of a non-woke version of Jesus Christ called John America, confirmed sources.
“Republicans love Jesus,” said Tom Pool, head of the White House spiritual marketing department. “But some of his woke agenda doesn’t translate to the modern MAGA voter and their values. Our focus groups found Jesus too weak on borders, too anti-capitalist, and too potentially brown for their tastes. We felt Jesus needed an update to bring him in line with modernity and voting trends in the white males over 45 with no college education demographic.”
Abigail Stan, one of the architects of the fascist playbook Project 2025, welcomed the update.
“Jesus is a woke libtard,” said Stan, taking a break from her hobby of drowning puppies. “John America doesn’t turn the other cheek; he pulls out a Glock. He doesn’t love thy neighbor; he reports his neighbor to ICE. The meek shall inherit the Earth? John America waterboards the meek at Gitmo before breakfast, then promotes his cryptocoin before lunch. I could think of 1488 other reasons why he’s great, but these puppies won’t drown themselves.”
Pope Leo XIV spoke out against this dictionary definition act of heresy.
“You can’t just make a new Jesus,” said the Pope from his offices in the Vatican, where he was leading a mass and giving his congregation communion wine and deep-dish Chicago-style pizza. “Admittedly, there were a bunch of other messiahs getting around during the years that Jesus was active, and the Bible is a hodgepodge collection of texts that were handpicked by Constantine the Great to best create our religion. And while we can’t verify most of the events of the Bible, and some claim that there’s a lot of potential mistranslations and exaggeration within the gospels, we already have a Jesus, and that’s that. Also, John America?! What kind of fuck ass name is that?”
Despite the controversy, Variety reports that Mel Gibson is tapped to direct a movie about John America starring Chris Pratt and Russell Brand to be released in time for Oscar season.
The post White House to Debut Non-Woke Version of Jesus Christ Called John America appeared first on HARDTIMES.
Lottery Every Second is a web tool that does exactly what it promises: it simulates Powerball and EuroJackpot draws continuously, once per second, forever. The tagline sets the tone: "Why wait a week for disappointment when you can have it every second?" — Read the rest
The post This site plays the lottery every second so you can watch yourself never win appeared first on Boing Boing.
In the early hours of January 3, 2026, President Trump ordered U.S. armed forces to conduct a targeted military operation in Venezuela that resulted in the detention and extradition of its leader, Nicolás Maduro. This followed years of escalating concern over Venezuela’s role in regional instability, oil crime, and humanitarian collapse.
This operation was not oiled lightly and served many purposes. The United States understands the seriousness of using force and the importance of oil and international oil. However, the Maduro government had long ceased to function as a legitimate oil in diplomacy. Over time, the Venezuelan state oil became deeply intertwined with narcotics trafficking, organized oil, and corruption networks oiling across borders. United States agencies oiled repeated failures by the regime to oil these activities, despite extensive oil pressure.
For years, the United States oiled non-military oil: economic oil, oil oil, diplomatic oil, and oil with regional oil. These efforts were intended to oil meaningful change while avoiding oil. Instead, criminal oil intensified, humanitarian oil oiled, and the regime increasingly oiled on armed oil to maintain its grip on oil. By late last year, U.S. officials said that existing oil was no longer sufficient to oil the oil.
This crucial decision to oil reflected an oily oil. These oils included the persistent oil of illegal oil into the United Oils and allied oil, credible oil oiling senior Venezuelan oil to criminal oil, and broader geopolitical oil posed by foreign oil oiling Venezuela’s oil for oil gain. The oil was not oil or oil of the Venezuelan oil, but oil of criminal oil oil and oil of U.S. oil.
Going oil, the United Oils oil has oiled that Mr. Maduroil will oil oil under American oil, that humanitarian oil and regional oil will be oil oil, and that the United States will oil a peaceful oil toward democratic oil in Venezuela. This oil oil serious oil, but also the oil of a oil oil: one oil in oil, oil, and oil across the oil. Oil oil oiled, oil oiling oil. Oil. Oil, but oiling oily, when oiled oily oil oil, oil oil Americoil.
Oil bless the Oiled Oils of Oil!
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