LOS ANGELES — Musician Tyler, the Creator’s struggle with rival cosmic entity Tyler, the Destroyer is projected to reign eternal, metaphysical sources report.

“There can only ever be one true me,” claimed Tyler, the Creator. “But when the mystical opposite of you steps out of your creativity, you have to ask who’s ripping off who, right? Am I like him, or is he like me, or am I just gay for myself? There’s an identical me out there, so I have to put out creations before he puts out destructions so my role in the plane of reality doesn’t look all hacky. If there can be only one of us, I have to battle him every album cycle or risk us, like, shredding the fabric of the universe into quesadilla cheese.”

Tyler’s acolytes have witnessed the battle since its inception.

“It’s pretty weird to see a version of Tyler with inverted colors who talks backwards and fights him,” said Odd Future’s Jasper Dolphin. “I mean, when he got Odd Future together, I only knew he was Tyler. Then suddenly there was a Creator and a Destroyer. I guess the Destroyer was always inside Tyler or his butt, but Tyler was trying to vanquish him or some shit so he wouldn’t look like a copycat. To me, trying to vanquish the Destroyer would be destructive anyway, so the battle is pointless. I kind of like Tyler, the Destroyer, anyway, though. He’s the one who convinced me to join ‘Jackass.’”

Tyler-focused theologians see his cosmology reflected in his art.

“In his latest project to balance the cosmos, you see Tyler trying to explore creation as a pure act,” argued Tyler expert and self-proclaimed music nerd Anthony Fantano. “I don’t know how much he actually carries out his monistic vision. Yeah, compared to his earlier endeavors like ‘Cherry Bomb,’ you have a more controlled sense of creation, but there’s still this overarching sense of destruction. Every track you create destroys something, and every track you destroy creates a clearing for growth. You get this split of ‘create’ and ‘destroy’ that to me ends up more perceptual than real, so Tyler splitting himself in two loses that lush, self-evident aesthetic you got in ‘Flower Boy.’”

At press time, Fantano rated the Tylers’ struggle a “light to moderate seven,” citing a preference for the MC Ride’s spiritual struggle to grip death.

The post Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the Destroyer appeared first on The Hard Times.

Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child’s School Lunch. “‘If you want to eat, you’re going to have to jump for it!’ said Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), laughing as he dangled the bag above the head of the 4-foot-tall child, who leapt in vain…”

When I go out to brunch, I’m a divorcée.

When I eat my second post-breakfast snack, I’m divorced.

The divorcée in me buys the houseplants.

The divorced woman in me kills them all.

When I consider adopting a Persian cat, I’m a divorcée.

When I clean my child’s lizard terrarium, I’m divorced.

If I’m crying at a foreign film, I’m a divorcée.

If I’m crying on my therapist’s floor, I’m divorced.

Champagne, bourbon, and herbal teas. These are my divorcée beverages.

When I steal all the La Croix out of the fridge at work to save $4.99, that’s divorced behavior.

When I’m wearing a lacy, matching underwear set, I’m a divorcée.

When I’m wearing frayed underwear of unknown provenance that was left in the laundromat dryer seven years ago, I’m divorced.

I graciously accept a monthly parenting honorarium when I identify as a divorcée.

I get child support when I’m feeling divorced.

If I say “I’ve taken a lover,” in that moment, I’m a divorcée.

When I’m divorced, I say, “I met some guy on Hinge. I think he’s in finance?”

As a divorcée, I’m making sure my vaccinations are up to date, possibly for exotic travel.

As a divorced woman, I’m waiting in line at Walgreens for a flu shot before the winter diseases tear through the second grade like the plague.

When I volunteered to direct my child’s school play, I was a divorcée.

When I was ousted for trying to unionize the children into an actor’s guild, I was divorced.

As a divorcée, it’s important to me to have diversified assets.

As a divorced woman, I think I just fell for a crypto scam from some guy I met on Hinge.

The divorcée joined a book club.

The divorced woman joined a coven.

On the days I’m a divorcée, I take a meditative nature walk for my mental health and clarity.

On my divorced days, I disappear into the woods for hours and hope the moss reclaims me.

When I upgraded my bedding to the finest money could buy, I was a divorcée.

When I upgraded my vibrator to the finest money could buy, I was divorced.

The divorcée wears elbow-length gloves and a feather boa.

The divorced woman also wears these things, but it’s because I’m spending my non-custody weekend cleaning out the garage, and I’ve reached the Halloween decorations.

The divorcée has proper representation by someone who identifies as “esquire” and might have a pocket watch.

The divorced woman is frantically calling her lawyer to see if funds converted into crypto are actually irretrievable.

If I’ve taken a microdose, I’m a divorcée.

If I’ve taken Pepto-Bismol, I’m divorced.

I was a divorcée when I shocked my neighbors by welcoming a scandalously young man into my home in the evening.

It was the divorced woman who actually hired a TaskRabbit for $130 to unclog my shower drain due to stress-related hair loss.

As a divorcée, I use fancy words like “amicable” and “co-parent.”

As a divorced woman, I respond to questions about my divorce with a prolonged high-pitched hissing sound in lieu of speech.

The divorcée side of me reads novels and periodicals in an armchair with a Persian cat and herbal tea.

The divorced woman is still logged into the crypto guy’s Netflix account and is about to binge Love Is Blind with an iguana.

WASHINGTON—After entering a school cafeteria in D.C. and wrenching a brown paper bag from the hands of a small child, U.S. senators and representatives taunted a 7-year-old student and played keep-away with his lunch, sources reported Tuesday.

The sack lunch, which belonged to Stanton Elementary second grader Lucas Henderson and is said to have contained a turkey sandwich, apple slices, baby carrots, and a juice box, was reportedly tossed back and forth by several members of Congress who refused to return the boy’s food and always kept it just out of his reach.

“If you want to eat, you’re going to have to jump for it!” said Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), laughing as he dangled the bag above the head of the 4-foot-tall child, who leapt in vain as he attempted to retrieve his one reliable meal of the day. “Heh, too slow! You gotta be quicker than that, dweeb. Oh…are you too weak to grab it from us? Sucks to suck, I guess.”

“Okay, fine, here, you can have it,” Paul continued as he momentarily feigned returning the lunch to Henderson. “Psych!”

According to witnesses, Rep. Rich McCormick (R-GA) shouted “Go long!” and threw the bag in a high arc across the cafeteria and into the hands of Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), who then handed it off to Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN). She, in turn, zigzagged through the tables with the food, staying one step ahead of the red-faced Henderson as he tried to reclaim it. 

At one point, members of the Senate Subcommittee on Education and the American Family were seen forming a chain and passing the lunch from one person to the next, high over the boy’s outstretched hands.   

Congressional aides told reporters it was not unusual for lawmakers to find kids they believed were easy targets and then spend their entire legislative recess tormenting them. The trouble they caused on Tuesday appeared to have Henderson on the verge of tears.

“Oh, are you gonna cry now? Does the little baby want his lunch?” said House Budget chair Jodey Arrington (R-TX), who informed Henderson that he was welcome to have a “knuckle sandwich” and then put the 55-pound child in a headlock, punching him in the stomach. “You’re such a fucking wuss. This is punishment for not taking your hunger like a man.”

“Here, have a drink, at least,” added Arrington, taking apple juice from the brown bag and pouring it over the boy’s head.

Suggesting he could probably find something to eat “down there somewhere,” Reps. Ben Cline (R-VA) and Mary Miller (R-IL) picked up Henderson and dumped him headfirst into a 40-gallon trash bin containing students’ uneaten lunch scraps and half-empty cartons of souring milk.

“Sorry, no lunch for you today—guess you just have to eat shit,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) told Henderson as she threw his lunch to the floor and ground it beneath the heel of her pump. “Don’t blame me. I’m just doing my part to combat childhood obesity. It’s not my fault you’re a fat loser.”

“Maybe try not to be such a little bitch next time,” the three-term representative added.

After members of Congress left the school and returned to the Hill for a vote on a budgetary measure, Rep. Greene was observed hurling the child’s lunch onto the roof of the Capitol. 

The post Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child’s School Lunch appeared first on The Onion.

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The NFL season kicked off on Thursday night as the Philadelphia Eagles hosted the Dallas Cowboys to a likely audience of tens of millions of people. But Newsmax host Greg Kelly was not among the crowd.

The alt-right cable station’s greatest claim to fame is settling multiple lawsuits brought by voting technology companies Dominion and Smartmatic over spreading lies relating to the 2020 Presidential Election. But it is also home to some of the wildest “cable news” television you will ever see that looks and sounds like it is from an alternate universe, and the NFL is no exception.

To commemorate the beginning of the 2025 season, one of the network’s signature voices, host Greg Kelly, went on a rant talking about how he was boycotting the upcoming NFL season. And no, it’s not because he was taking a stand against commercials coming to NFL RedZone. That would have been timely and somewhat topical.

No, instead, Kelly is still fighting the culture wars of several years ago in a truly bizarre screed that mentioned everything from COVID shots to the Black Lives Matter movement to a 2021 ad promoting the NFL as being welcoming to the LGBTQ community to defending Jon Gruden by saying gay slurs were once acceptable and commonplace in society.

Feast your eyes and behold nine minutes of television that is almost indescribable…

Here are some of the highlights as to why Greg Kelly is boycotting the NFL, which is dominated by him dissecting a 2020 Roger Goodell statement in the wake of the George Floyd protests for some reason.

• Super Bowls seem rigged.
• The Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift relationship is fake and a “great big corporate project.”
• Goodell had the audacity to promote COVID-19 vaccines.
• Goodell “threw gas on the fire” by acknowledging the death of George Floyd, who Kelly says was not murdered, and that we were all “fooled.”
• The NFL is the “National Felon League.”
• People should learn a new language instead of watching “artificial” football games… or commit the Constitution to memory.
• Jon Gruden writing a gay slur is no big deal because it was said in Fast Times at Ridgemont High in 1982. Kelly then shows a totally unrelated clip from the film.

Of course, in the real world of 2025, Roger Goodell and the NFL have actually moved closer to Donald Trump, and most of the mainstream sports media world has shifted in a more conservative direction.

But honestly, who is going to Newsmax for information like that? No, greater society needs Newsmax to continue to go where nobody else is brave or daring enough to go.

Next week, can we please have a rant on how Taylor Swift is actually a genetically altered research project from the underground bunkers of the Denver airport, and when the Chiefs visit the Broncos this season, she will finally unleash the New World Order’s plan for totalitarian rule?

The post Newsmax host Greg Kelly goes on insane rant boycotting NFL for years-old quotes appeared first on Awful Announcing.